I’m scared to go home today

Dear Pastor,

I’m scared to go home today. My husband is ramped up, I can see it in his eyes. He gave me a dirty look when I dropped the kids off at Sunday school. I think it was because my son was crying and didn’t want me to leave and I was consoling him.  I’ll find out after we get home, I’m sure.

I’m scared to go home today because I know he’ll either yell or hit or ignore me or do any number of things to make me feel afraid and small as a thimble, so alone, unloved, confused, and worst of all, powerless. I hope you can help me.

I’m scared to go home because today’s sermon was about submission and my husband will tell me that I don’t submit enough, that that’s why he does what he does. He’ll say he’s the head of the home and that I need to get in line. Oh, God, please help me, I don’t like where he’s going.

I’m scared to go home today because he’s so angry and when the doors close behind us, the smile fades off his face, and the darkness in his eyes settles in. He becomes a monster that I tip toe around. I speak kindly to it, feed it, pet it gently, everything one would do if one lived with a rabid wolf. I can’t relax and be myself, laughing and playing freely. I sleep with one eye open.

Pastor, I’m scared to go home today. Please don’t tell me it’s my fault, and that I push his buttons, that’s why he’s so angry with me.  I’ve tried everything I know how not to do the things that cause him to lose control, but that doesn’t stop him from hurting me. And please don’t tell me that I don’t submit enough because I can’t continue to submit to his evil ways.  And for the love of God, don’t suggest more marriage counseling. We’ve tried that, and everything I shared in counseling was used against me later at home.

I need to know that you will stand by me as I try to find safety for my children and me and that you won’t shun me if I leave. I’m tired of hearing “just hang in there with him and pray him through this.”  I need to know that I will continue to be in good standing with you and my church family. I need to know that you will pray for me as I navigate these unknown waters.

Sincerely

A woman in your flock

 

If you’re scared to go home, afraid of your spouse, find a trusted friend to talk to today.  You can also call 1-800-799-7233, the National Domestic abuse hotline.

 

6 thoughts on “I’m scared to go home today

  1. omg im so scared for you, why do you stay, if this is that bad why not leave.. i read this and hate i cant just help.. I hope you are ok

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    1. Thank you for your concern, you’ll be glad to know I’m no longer in an abusive relationship. I’m using this blog to help others who might still be in that situation to know they’re not alone and that they can get out. This was a letter I wish I had written and one that I hope ministers will read and understand the desperate plight of the abused. Again, thank you for your kind heart that cares.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This really hit home for me. I have felt this way often at church — except that my husband was the pastor. It is important for people, especially pastors, to realize that this is a reality for more women in our pews than we would like to admit. I’m so glad you have found your way out. Your words are an encouragement.

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